


Faded Reflection

by Fjeril



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-15 09:11:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10553778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fjeril/pseuds/Fjeril
Summary: They're not children anymore. It's time leave their teenage crushes behind and go on with real life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result of Eydol's comments on my precedent (and very very short) work. You can blame her for telling me to write it but I want to thank her because she's been supporting my daily sending of works for so long.

It was the second time he regretted it so much.

The first time had been when the blond had graduated. Even though he had been by his sides during his last day there, even though he had helped him for the repayment fest - he had doubled his efforts, that day, because he had felt twice as grateful when that man had helped him though he was his senior - and even though he knew he had a very limited time to tell him, his pride had taken over his feelings, telling him it was no use and would only hurt him once he would be rejected and the man would go away.

He didn't have to suffer the rejection, but in the end, it still hurt when he left, and they didn't meet for weeks, mostly because one was busy with his work, and the other with school.

But time had past, and after months and months of suffering, he had managed going on. The pursuit of their respective dreams had reunited them, here and there. Never for a long time, never long enough for him to pass over his own pride.

And the one day he had thought he was so low he would be able to push his pride away, he was introduced to her. He was the good friend from school, she was the fiancée. And that day, he had fallen even lower.

Looking at his own reflection, he fixed his clothes, again, and again, and again. Fixed his hair, too, once, twice, three times, before giving up and starting from the beginning again. There always seemed to be something wrong in the way he looked; even his skin didn't seem to comply, and he had ended up wearing make-up. He kept checking the way he looked until a car honked at his door: he couldn't let his seniors wait, and gave up trying to look as stunning as he had wanted to. Stealing either the groom or the bride only worked in over-romantic, cliché love-stories, thus he decided he'd just be there, and hide himself in the corner of the ballroom until the hour was decent enough for him to leave and cry himself to sleep.

He just rushed to the car, opening the door without a word, and installed himself on the back seat of the car, only saluting his friends in a low voice, before lying on the said backseat, trying not to think about what was going to happen.

"Kanzaki, are you alright?" his red-haired senior asked.

When he didn't answer, Kiryu turned towards him, certainly thinking he hadn't heard the question. But it wasn't the case: he only refused to answer it. He had never told them about the truth, the only one allowed to hear it being his former club president. He half-closed his eyes, staying silent. If he didn't move, maybe they wouldn't notice.

"Kanzaki...

\- Leave him alone, Kiryu," Hasumi interrupted, and Souma silently thanked him.

He didn't want to talk, or even think about what he was about to witness. He even had agreed to be his wedding witness, for gods knew what reason. And now he regretted it, but of course it was way too late. He just wanted to cry and run away, yet, in this car, he felt like a prisonner of his own destiny. He didn't move when Kiryu looked at him again.

"When we're there, I'll do something for your hair," he simply stated, earning a nod from his junior.

Souma heard the sigh when his former unit member turned back towards the road. Even though he couldn't understand the words they were saying, there was no doubt the conversation was about him. Oh, well, he probably couldn't hide his being down to everyone, after all. As long as he wore his mask once they joined the others, everything would go right.

He was only half aware of it when the car stopped. He knew exactly where they were - he had had to come a few times, already, for the preparations, and the way was so familiar to him he didn't even need to look at the way they were taking. Sighing, he sat up, stretched his arms and back, and opened the door, his back facing the street, waiting for his senior to comb them. He loved those moments - it was calm, and soft, and nice, he didn't need to think about anything else than the sensation of the comb, then Kiryu's hands, in his hair, about how it would look like in the end. He trusted his friend more than anyone else when it came to his hair; yet, the second he felt it being arranged, a thought came to his mind.

"I want to cut it."

In stories, and until not that long ago, actually, girls cut their hair when they had been dumped, right? _I'm not a woman_ , he reminded himself. Yet, maybe it would help him going on with his life. It took him a few seconds to notice any movement had stopped behind him, and, without moving to much so he wouldn't spoil anything, he glanced at the people behind him. Both had completely stopped moving, and were looking at him, horrified.

"Kanzaki... Are you sure you're alright?"

He sighed. Of course not, but if he didn't say he was alright, if he didn't make himself believe he was alright, then he probably would run away from the ceremony; and he couldn't do that. He had promised to be by his friend's side for this important day.

"How many times are you going to ask me this question? I am. I have to be."

_I need to be._

He sighed again, in frustration, ready to tell Kiryu it was okay, he would just leave his hair fall on his shoulders.

"You just said you wanted to _cut your hair_. That doesn't sound like you," his senior precised, before going back to arranging the said hair.

Souma blinked. _I said it out loud?_! He put a hand in front of his mouth, eyes widened. _No, shut up, me, don't let them see!_ He took a deep breath, pondering about his own words, before deciding:

"Yes. Why not? It's going to be surprising. Besides, refreshing it can only help it look better," he decided, his heart pounding at the same speed as when he...

He closed his eyes, waiting to get shouted at. Instead, silence installed himself, before he heard Hasumi's voice advising his friend to abide to his choice. He was glad, in a way. Especially considering that what was considered as his charm point by the industry he worked in: he would prove that he was free, wouldn't it? That he could be who he was, even without that.

He heard footsteps going away, and a door being opened; turning his head, he could see his unit member rummage into something, and get a pair of scissors out of it. Seeing it made the younger smile, and he straightened his back again when Kiryu came back to where he originally was.

"Okay." The man took a deep breath, apparently more worried than himself about that. "Are you ready?"

He nodded, suddenly feeling very proud of his choice.

"I am," he confirmed, even though he was a little nervous - but he couldn't admit it, or his hair would never get cut.

He checked the right length with his senior (not _too_ short, just at the top of his nape), and felt chills through all of his body when he heard, and felt, the very first cut. Silence fell around them, while Hasumi was watching upon them, sometimes taking a nervous look at the car's clock, while long, long hair fell on the ground, taking with them the weight of his regrets. _I want to be happy for him,_ he told himself. _I should stop thinking about myself first. He is happy, so I should be happy for him._

He let the thoughts turn and turn in his head the whole time his former unit member corrected the way he had cut his hair, and put it in place. He felt lighter, and way better than when he was getting prepared. Before going, he decided to take a look at himself, in the car's side mirror. He looked completely different, but that look pleased him. He couldn't help touching his hair: he was used to feel it all along his back, but now it stopped over his shoulder. For how many years hadn't it been _that_ short?

Turning towards his senior, who was holding a mesh of his long hair, he thanked him. Sometimes, Kiryu and Hasumi felt like bonus parents, and he was glad that they supported him no matter his caprices.

"You can get rid of it," he confessed. "It will grow back, eventually."

He saw his friend's hand hold the mesh a little tighter, as if it was a precious treasure. Sure, it used to be, but now...

"There are children that need those more than me," he added. "If you really don't want to throw it, then I wish you donate it to those children."

A relieved sigh answered him, and he couldn't help but address a sorry smile to that poor Kiryu, before taking his bag. He took a look at his phone, only to notice the man had sent him a few messages. He had gotten better at using technology (actually, work hadn't given him a choice), yet still was slow to type, so he decided to answer while his friends were preparing to go, finishing his message while they started walking towards the place of the ceremony.

In the middle of his guests, Hakaze Kaoru was standing, stunning, shining, even. Souma had thought he would be hard to find, in the middle of all those already shining people - his unit members, and their former club president, and a few more former students from their school, and all the friends he had met since UNDEAD had debuted as a major idol unit. Yet, he was the first person he saw, as if he was shining brighter than anyone else. Oh, that was to be expected, from the groom; yet, Souma couldn't help thinking that his own eyes probably were a little more sensitive to his view than most people's.

He took a deep breath, touching his hair one last time, before walking towards the group, accompanied by his friends. He remembered habing been surprised that they were invited, too, but had quickly shrugged it away. There was no point in thinking about it, now. There was no point in thinking about anything, actually. There was no point in anything.

He jumped in surprise when he felt strong hands around his shoulders, and his body forced to stumble a little farther. When he came back to his senses, Kiryu was checking him, frowning. Souma blinked, looking all around him, before noticing he had been pushed away from the road. Understanding what had just happened wasn't very difficult, but he didn't understand how he had ended up there.

"Kanzaki," he sighed, and Souma bit his lower lip, ready to get shouted at. "I know you're not okay, but at least, please be careful, on the road."

He blinked again, looking at his friend, unable to understand what had just happened. Was he in a parallel world? Because only in a parallel world would he have been spared from both the slap and the sermon. Or maybe, it was because of the setting. Looking around him, he finally bowed, apologizing for his lack of carefulness.

"I'm sorry. I will take care."

His reward was a nod, and he finally decided to join the group, only to get assulated by a flying merman. Shikai seemed very happy to meet him again (they didn't have many chances to spend time together), and he had to admit he was very glad, too. At least, having such a dear friend by his sides would help cope with the wedding; proof was that he was smiling again already. When the former club president released him from his hug, though, he looked quite surprised, and made him turn on himself.

"Souma, where is your hair?"

 _Of course_.

"I cut it," he explained, keeping for himself that he wasn't sure of how he felt about it yet. "How does it look?"

"New. Beautiful," he heard another voice answer, and his heartbeat stopped for a second.

Of course it would, just like whenever his heard that voice. Whenever he got a chance to hear even just an extract of UNDEAD's song, or whenever they were working together. He had thought it would calm down, someday, knowing he never had a chance, yet even now that he was about to witness Hakaze's wedding ceremony with the woman he had chosen, he couldn't help but feel butterflies in his stomach, just at the sound of this voice. So, he finally decided to face Hakaze, and _oh damn_ he looked irresistible now that he was closer.

Especially with the happiest of smiles on his face, and the fondest of expressions in his eyes. Yet, he had to remind himself that none of this was thought for him, that the smile was provided by someone else. Someone that was not him.

"Souma, I would like to finally introduce you to my future wife, Kiku."

The bride bowed to him, beautiful, in her red _kimono_. In all respects, shaking, he bowed back to her, trying not to think. About how she was about to spend the rest of her days next to the man _he_ was longing for, about how she would get everything he had dreamt about when it came to Hakaze.

"I'm happy I finally get to meet the famous Souma," she declared, souding so excited, and it took at least this to realize what she was looking like.

"What do you mean?"

 _I don't understand. I don't want to understand._ Of course he understood. He had heard it for years, actually, so why wouldn't he understand? He had probably met her during that time, after all. For that precise reason.

"Kaoru talks about you all the time," she laughed. "Sometimes I even wonder if it's not you he wants to marry!"

His heart started beating faster. He was glad that hiding his emotions was part of his training, because he wouldn't have stood it otherwise. _Don't make me hope. Don't make me dream._

"I am glad to hear that, though I guess it's more about how I wish I could cut him in halves, most of the time, isn't it?"

He had even managed smiling, when all of his body wanted to cry, and shout, that all of it was unfair. Because the difference between her and himself was very small, wasn't it? The long, purple hair, styled in a complex hairdo. Those eyes that seemed to tell the world she was ready to fight it, and the shape of her face, that reminded him of his own mother.

_«Ah, Souma, if only you had been a girl, I would have dated you! But you're not, that's unfortunate.»_

Hakaze's voice resounded in his mind, louder than the usual, aligning itself with the present. Now he started understanding, and that was frustrating. On fist clenched, while he was doing his best to keep his breathing under control. _Well, sorry I'm not a woman,_ he had prevented himself from saying so many times. _I can't believe you were just being honest_ , he kept silent this time.

"No, no," the future Mrs. Hakaze corrected. "I... I've never heard of that, actually, that's a bit scary... Anyway, he's always praising you, and your work, and how dedicated you are to it. I'm a fan myself," she precised, an apologetic smile on her lips. "So, I am very, very glad to finally get the chance to meet you."

And now he couldn't even hate her; even though he was surprised Hakaze would not talk about all those times he had threatened to cut because of his behaviour at school, especially when it had been an essential part of their relationship for what seemed like the longest of times. Yet again, Hakaze was quite peculiar sometimes, and Souma failed to understand all of his actions - for example, why he had asked _him_ to become his witness instead of Sakuma.

"I wasn't expecting this," he admitted.

_Not any of this, at all._

"But I'm glad I finally meet the woman Hakaze speaks so often about. As you would expect from him, he's quite passionate about his bride."

He wondered why, actually, because never had Hakaze spoke about one of his girlfriends with so much passion, so much enthusiasm as he talked about Kiku; and that was bothering him. A _lot_.

Hakaze, on the other hand, seemed prouder than ever, and so happy that Souma felt guilty he couldn't share that enthusiasm. _That is rude of me_ , he recognized. _I should try harder._ He smiled, even if it was forced, thinking it could help him go through the day. When the ceremony finally started, he felt almost relieved: the sooner it would be done, the better he would feel.

Keeping that in mind, Souma watched the traditional ceremony go on, diligently filling his duties as a witness, not sure if he really enjoyed being _that_ close to Hakaze while he was getting married to that woman. In other times, he would, of course, have loved being by his sides, but the long hour the ceremony lasted felt like he was being tortured. Forced to witness the wedding of the man he loved, chained just a meter away from him.

Focusing, telling himself that it was for the best - for Kaoru's best - was harder than he had imagined, and even though he just wanted the blond man to be happy (which nobody in the room could deny he was), the egoistic part of him wished he could be a character from a book, or a movie, where it was acceptable to steal the groom, or the bride.

 _It's for the best, for him,_ he reminded himself again and again while the party went on, on the evening, adding, as he learnt to know her: _She's very nice, but has enough character to put him back in his place if needed._

It helped him feel better, knowing that as least, he was with someone that knew how to take care of him. Suddenly, it felt more logical that he spoke about her so much. She had taken an important role in his life, he had to face it. A more important role than him. Yet, Hakaze still considered him as someone very close, and maybe he could be okay with that.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise ! A chapter a day ♪

The first years of their lives as a married couple went on like a dream: the shared chores, even when very busy with work (being the president of a company seemed at least as exhausting as being an idol), left notes for each other when they didn't get enough time to meet in the morning, enjoyed their lives, he would prepare her a lunchbox when she was busy with reunions and dinner when she had to come back late, she would come and witness his drama shootings on the week-ends, or attend UNDEAD's concerts when she was free enough. It all looked like a perfectly functionnal clock, a perfectly ordered life. The kind he had dreamt of, since he had left his family's house.

And then, little by little, the clock started to have problems, here and there. He started to get tired of preparing lunchboxes, or to just accidentaly mess them up. She started going to bed immediately after work, on days that were extra busy. Touching her felt more and more wrong every time. Yet, she seemed more and more demanding on their common off days.

One night, while she was on a business trip, he sat alone at the bar table, a cup of coffee in front of him, trying to understand. He looked intensely at the liquid, as if it would be able to answer any of his questions. Yet, it wasn't very talkative. So, he decided to ask himself:

"What am I doing wrong?"

His chin resting on one of his hand, he decided to check every little thing: did he still find her beautiful? Of course she was. He wondered how himself was the idol and she was a company president when everyone that looked at her, men as much as women, were looking at her in admiration.

Then, did he feel like being as attentive as he usually was? ...Maybe not. His job took him lots of time and energy, and preparing food early in the morning was tiring, especially when he had a few interviews, a CM shooting, an album to work on, and a live performance in the same day. Even for himself, he had started buying food at the closest conbini he could find.

Why, then? Why, indeed. If he had to think about it, he guessed it was because he didn't feel as energetic as before when she was by her sides. Oh, it was certainly normal, right? Because passion was toning a bit down, and they were getting used to their married life. All couples were like that, weren't they?

_Okay, so, let's still try the most important question: do I still love her?_

Nothing came to his mind. Not immediately. But after a while, suddenly, memories came back. Of the years he had spent in Yumenosaki, of the Marine Life Club he had skipped so often. Of Souma's face, threatening to cut him in halves because of his behaviour. Of Souma still attending his lives and cheering for him, even though their units were in complete opposition at the beginning.

He also remembered his wedding day, and how gorgeous Souma looked with his freshly cut hair, and how he had to force himself not to look at him at every moment, and how he could feel his friend was not completely there most of the time. He thought about his own words, pronounced out of the frustration that his friend would never understand if he told him the truth. «Ah, if you were a girl, I would date you, but unfortunately, you're not». He hated those words, because they were a lie, covering the declaration he had never managed doing.

"Kaoru, focus, you were trying to check if you still loved Kiku or not," he blurted out, sighing.

Yet again, Souma's face appeared in his mind, his bright smile stolen by who-knew-what. And then, to his sides, Kiku. And he realised: they looked almost like identical twins, at the exception of their bodies. And, he knew it, even though they had a few common character traits, something was wrong, wasn't it?

"Oh shit."

He had tried to force that truth away for so long, and was sure that, after so long with someone else, that he loved so much, it would fade away. It was how it was supposed to happen, wasn't it? It was how people went on with their lives, wasn't it? He hadn't even had the chance to even meet Souma for months, after all, busy as they both were, and the last time he had heard his voice was in the middle of the night, while he was watching animes to try and relax after a long day.

At that very moment he had felt a very peculiar warmth in his heart, that made him smile, at that moment he had felt better than he felt most of the time. There was a smile in his heart, in his life, but it only lasted the time of an episode and a half, before another anime started.

It the meantime, it made Kaoru realize how much he missed Souma. Oh, he had managed, until then. To get every chance he could to meet him, to attend his events and concerts, ever so discreetly, though he did, sometimes (when he actually had a day off or enough time), show up in the backstages to come and congratulate him. He also secretely watched the TV shows his former clubmate was in; in an egostic way, he had managed keeping Souma close to him. Yet, he probably hadn't noticed, and that hit Kaoru right in the heart.

His coffee still untouched, Kaoru looked at the white gold ring around his finger, shining in the dark of night, as if it wanted to remind him of something. Yet, instead of trying to find what, he just put it away - it was starting to feel uncomfortable, almost itchy. Wrong, even. Taking it between is index and his thumb, Kaoru looked at the ring, the words written in it. He made it roll between his fingers, pondering on what to do, now. His question was still not really answered, and he was upset with it. Did he still love her? Or...

"Did I use you as a substitute for him?"

In his mind, he saw Souma pulling a Kiku mask away from his face, looking tired, and sad. He remembered the last time he had seen his friend, and how he seemed to be lying when he said that he was alright, and he was just a bit tired. How he hadn't insisting on discovering why, assuming it was because of work - assuming his own tiredness was due to work, too. He sighed, put the ring on the table, far nough from himself to feel free, just for that night.

In a mechanical manner, he took his phone, roamed through the names, called the one person he had ended up trusting with his life whenever he didn't feel good and couldn't talk with Kiku.

"Hey, stupid vampire, you took a long time, before picking up. I thought you didn't sleep at night?"

For a few seconds, no answer came. As he was about to check if the call was still on, Kaoru heard an unexpected voice:

"Hakaze?"

He blinked a few times, waiting for his heartbeat to function again - and it did, a little too fast for him. Before he could say anything he would regret, Kaoru checked on his phone if he had called the right number. Of course, the name on the screen wasn't «Sakuma Rei», but definitely «Kanzaki Souma». The problem was that he never called his junior, for a few reasons. For example, that he remembered Souma blocking his number when he had been too eager on helping him. Or that he would feel like a high-schooler again whenever he heard his voice. Or even, and that was the worst, just because he didn't get enough time to do so.

"Ah, Souma... Sorry, I-

\- wanted to call Sakuma, I know," there was a tired chuckle on the other side of the line, and he wasn't sure how to take it.

"You did?

\- Unless you started calling someone else «stupid vampire», then it was quite obvious," the purple-head admitted, and he felt bad.

"Sorry," he apologized, the shining of that ring starting to fade in his eyes. "Say... Are you free anytime soon?"

He heard a hum, and the sound of sheets being moved - at this instant, he felt sorry for making Souma move from his bed, and waking him up.

"Sorry for waking you up, by the way," he almost whispered.

"It's alright," the sleepy voice answered him. "I was having a nightmare."

_A nightmare_... No wonder he always looked so tired, when he could speak so casually about having nigtmares.

"A nightmare?

\- Yeah. I saw," the interruption lasted just a heartbeat too long, enough for Kaoru to wonder what it meant, "turtles dying of terrible things," the younger one told him, just before, he guessed by the tick, boiling water. "Let me check..."

For some reason, that explanation sounded wrong; yet he couldn't say that aloud without sounding rude. So, he just decided to forget it (after all, he could totally have imagined it), and waited for more. What he got, for a few minutes, was only the sound of pages turning.

"Mh, I'm finishing early on wednesday," Souma finally told him. "I have a day off on Thursday, and on next week's monday."

As Kaoru was telling himself he had only imagined the whispered «I _can_ manage falling sick, though», he checked his own schedule on his phone, noticing he was free on the wednesday, and was starting late enough on the thursday. The next Monday was completely full with tour preparations, interviews and photoshoots, so he wouldn't have a chance to meet Souma. Though, he _could_ manage falling sick in the meantime.

"I would be okay with Wednesday night," he confirmed. "Would you?"

_Why do I need to sound like I'm about to marry him?_ Maybe because he wouldn't have refused marrying that man if he got the chance - _wait, no, shut up Kaoru!_ He rubbed his neck, hoping he hadn't sounded too much like he was proposing, and that it wasn't the reason why Souma was taking so long to answer.

"Wednesday night, it is, then," the voice actor confirmed. "I guess you should call the vampire for real, now, though. See you on Wednesday."

For a second, Kaoru could swear he was about to add something, but nothing more came. His heart squeezed a little in sadness, and he confirmed, with a hum:

"You might be right. See you on Wednesday."

Suddenly, there, in his kitchen, in the middle of the night, he felt alive again. Before he knew it, his lips were curving in a smile, and he wanted to shout and sing and dance, no matter the tiredness of his whole body after that long practice day. Suddenly, he was eighteen again.

Suddenly, the white gold ring seemed to have disappeared from his mind, and he felt free, as he was when they were younger, before he took that decision - that important one, that sounded unimaginable, right now. He felt like he wasn't trying to lure himself, this time, and could he have, he would have run to Souma's flat, fallen on his knees, and told him all about how he regretted the words he had used in school, how he just wanted to stay just a bit longer y his sides, for a reason he couldn't really place a word on.

He took a look at his phone, checking he hadn't dreamt the last minutes, and he had really called Souma, and they had really planned to meet on the next Wednesday. It felt like a dream, but this one, this very one dream wasn't going to stop, or to turn to the worst. Just this very one time. Looking at his phone, ready to call Sakuma, he saw a message from Kiku.

«Can't wait to be by your sides!» it said, yet somehow it sounded wrong. «Work is exhausting. Miss you!»

A bit lost, he read the message again and again, trying to understand the content. He stared at the places where there used to be hearts, tried to sympathize with the first and the last part, but the only one that seemed to make sense was the middle sentence. The only he felt like he could relate to. It had been days and months and years since the day they got married, and he had thought he had reached the perfect love point, when from the beginning there was something wrong with him.

He started typing an answer, trying to use the right words - uh, how was he supposed to reply to this already? - typing without thinking, stopping only when he received a new one.

«You're probably asleep, though. Goodnight, darling!»

His eye twitched, as he checked the time - but numbers didn't seem to have any meaning anymore - and he saw the message he had started writing.

«I'm afraid of the truth,» he had written. «And the truth isn't a happy one for you. I've been hiding from it since High Scho»

He was feeling somewhat better that he had stopped writing in time, because he had been about to commit a terrible mistake - not in saying the truth, but in blurting it all out so suddenly. So cruelly. _By message_. He sighed, erased it all, before writing something more usual:

«I'm about to go to bed, actually. Keep fighting for your work! Good night, love.»

_Love._ He felt hypocritical, and nervous - because that word started sounding wrong, in his mouth. When he adressed her, at least. He checked his contacts, one last time, and decided to try calling Sakuma anyway, maybe he could help.

Two tries later, he decided to give it up. His friend wasn't answering, which could either mean he definitely was a fake vampire, or he was out - to have fun with someone or steal their blood, certainly. Either way, he didn't know, and he didn't want to know. So shaking his head, Kaoru decided to make his lie a truth, and finally go to bed.

_It's alright,_ he told himself. _Wednesday I'll get to flee the routine for a little while. And forget everything. Just for a few hours, just enough to calm my mind down._

Yes, that sounded like a great deal. Besides, if his mind was full of Souma, it could also just mean he was missing his friend, right? _Oh, come on, Kaoru, of course it's not._ Not when he saw a face that looked like Souma's on a daily basis. Not when he had almost expressed his feelings for two full years, but always disguised it in the end. Not when, even after their studies, even after his wedding, he was craving to spend even a second in his company.

"I hate being stubborn, sometimes," he sighed, while emptying his cup of now cold coffee in the sink. "Anyway, that could also just be mid-night thoughts. I guess I'll forget about it tomorrow morning."

On the next morning, his first thought was that he probably should adopt a turtle so he could talk with it. The second one was that he probably wouldn't have thought about turtles if his mind wasn't projecting images of the most fervent turtle-lover he knew. So much for forgetting, right? He checked his messages, only to find one from Kiku, who wished him a good night, and one from Sakuma, that told him he was busy before, and what did he want to talk about? _Should I?_

Looking at the screen, he waited for the «twenty-nine» minutes of the clock to turn into «thirty» before taking a decision.

«I was feeling a bit down, but nothing worth interrupting your «business», don't worry.»

Unfortunately for him, his friend knew him well enough to reply with a «you're lying» fast as a shooting star, and certainly as painful as an arrow.

«But alright, we'll talk about it when you feel like it.»

Kaoru was relieved. Having a conversation about what he should do considering he had lied to himself about his true feeling, at seven in the morning, didn't sound like a very good idea. At least, he wanted to have breakfast, first.

The young man was still in that mood when he turned the tv on, putting his breakfast trailer on the mini table in front of him. Once sat on the couch, he browsed through the TV channels, just so he could find something that would suit him. What he didn't expect was to see Sakuma in a morning show.

"Come on, don't tell me you were up so early just to see your own face on TV," he sighed, know his unit leader wouldn't hear him (unless he had accidentally called Sakuma and he was hearing everything).

Deciding than watching his friend be ridiculous on TV would be better than risking to ask himself too many questions, the blond decided not to browse further, knowing he would have to go before it ended anyway - they had a long day of shooting for a new commercial to prepare for, and he didn't want to be late. _Back to the routine._

 


	3. Chapter 3

On the Wednesday morning, Souma took an unusually long time to brush his hair. It had grown back to it's original length very quickly, and by now, he could probably rivalize with that weird magician guy from high-school. But he was used to it, and brushing it didn't take that much time anymore - except that he was so nervous he felt like he needed to look _more_... More what exactly? The answer refused to come to his mind, certainly hidden under his nervousness. Because _he was about to meet with Hakaze._

It had been months and years since they didn't have a chance to just spend time together, and the last time they did, the blond was getting married, and he had managed leaving the party early enough - there were lots of guests, and the newly weds were soon too drunk to remember who was there and who wasn't, a real luck for him.

But right now, he was about to face him again, alone, without his wife or their friends or the cl- _Shinkai_ , and he felt nervous. That was stupid, right? Because, just the way his seniors had taught him, he had moved on, and focused on what really was important. Because he had thought about it all a thousand of times, and had reached the conclusion that his heart could beat for someone else, what, ages ago. And it had. Once, with that colleague. They had had a relationship, but it had turned into a failure because they hadn't been able to listen to each other, and find a solution to their problems that they both felt comfortable with.

Then, there had been this very nice traveller he had met at a party, one night, but the guy's heart was already taken, and besides, he was leaving the country the next day. And here and there, short relationships, unrequited feelings, one-time flutters of heart, sometimes turned into strong friendships, often forgotten quickly enough. And yet there he was, still trying to put up a good-looking outfit, trying new ways to style his hair only to tie it up in the end, a braid on each side of his head, for the man he had fallen for when he was a teenager.

_Hakaze Kaoru_. Even after all these years, even after calling him a disgrace over and over again, even after shutting himself down for weeks because he was being confirmed his feelings would never be returned, even after all those night spent awake to try and forget everything (it had never worked and actually made it worse), the name still felt delicious to pronounce. Even when it used to hurt hearing his voice at every corner of the town.

_It's alright, Souma. You have a long day of work before you meet him._

What he tried to hide from himself was how impatient he was, and how his hands were shaking from anticipation. _Okay, breathe, relax. You're going to go to work, and everything will be alright._ Besides, he was starting to work on a new series, that day, one with a character especially thought for him as a voice actor - a real honour to him, for it was the first time he had a character's design based on his own looks.

"Okay, Kanzaki Souma. Let's go."

Even though he had feared not being able to focus, his workday actually went on way more smoothly than he expected it to, and this new character - his very first main character in a series - ended up being the center of his focus. He had already spent hours reading about his background and dialogues, but being able to finally take a real grasp on it fascinated him; by the end of the day, he had forgotten that he had even been feeling nervous in the morning.

Souma was having so much fun that he almost forgot he was awaited after work, talking with his team, his colleagues congratulating him. It was only when they suggested they could go for a drink that he remembered he already had something planned, something very important. Checking the time, he saluted them more abruptly than intended, before rushing to the train station.

It was dark, and so crowded Souma feared he wouldn't find the person he was looking for, in the middle of all those people. At least, they weren't all shining as bright as the weirdos from school - most of those had ended up with successful carriers, and now they were living in a completely different world than all the people he could meet in the streets. When finally he found the man he was looking for, a little in retreat, in a smaller street, away from the crowd, he bowed as low as he could.

"Sorry, I'm late," he apologized, preventing his hair to touch the ground.

"Souma," the too warm and familiar voice answered. "You're not late, I was there a bit early."

Meeting his friend's eyes made him aware of a few things - first of all, he seemed tired, he had bags under his eyes. Secondly, that happy child-looking expression he had whenever he was excited to do something was plastered on his face, and his heart felt warm. All of a sudden, it was as if nothing had ever happened, and he hoped it would last the whole night long. Even if it didn't change anything to the situation, even if it was just a stolen night, he wanted to keep feeling good for the next hours.

"Good, then," he almost murmured. "How have you been?"

Even if his senior's mouth opened, no answer came out of it. That was curious, considering the man was good with talking - something he sometimes envied, for himself wasn't always very good with conversation - but he decided he'd probably get an answer later: Hakaze was as bas at hiding his feelings as he was at reading those.

"It's been, uhm... Complicated," Hakaze finally answered. "I'll tell you more when we're around a table, alright?"

He nodded.

"What about you, though?"

In no time, himself was smiling again, ready to talk about all the great things that had happened to him recently.

"I've had a very good day," he summarized. "And I hope I get to spend a very good night, too."

The large smile was back on the blond's face, and butterflies seemed to be fluttering inside his heart. He hadn't felt that good for quite a long time, now; he just hoped it would last.

"Let's go, then," Hakaze's voice was the softest he had heard from him in a while.

They walked around the calmer part of the town, looking for a restaurant that would fit their wishes. The sound of their steps resounded in the almost empty streets, stopping only at the entry of a calm restaurant, one that served Kobe beef. It seemed calm, but crowded enough for them to get a table in a hidden corner without risking the curious looks - himself was okay, but due to UNDEAD's latest album promotion, Hakaze's face was just everywhere, and his voice could be heard at every karaoke in town.

While he was looking at the menu, just enjoying his senior's presence on the seat facing him, Souma felt his hair move without him being responsible for it. When he lifted his eyes from the menu, he could notice a hand loosely holding a purple mesh; no need for him to retrace the arm it lead to, to know whose it was. Smiling, he went back to chosing his plate, letting, for once, his heart be honest with how content it was, that night.

"It grew back," the blond stated; Souma bit his lip to keep for him that it was obvious. "And so long. You were cute, with short hair, though," the tone was dreamy, enough for the voice actor to wonder if Hakaze was alright. "This suits you very well too, though."

_Bam. Bam._

His heart felt like it was hitting his chest. Faster than it was supposed to. It felt nice, and right, and suddenly it was like he was alive again, as if colors were appearing around him again. He liked it all, and he almost didn't feel the smile that was now curving his lips.

"Thank you."

He received a smile in return, before he passed the menu on to his senior, to try and calm down.

"Have you chosen?"

He had to focus not to stare at those hands turning pages, or the brown eyes examining the menu, or not to push away that mesh that his part of the blond's face. Yes, he wanted to fully enjoy his night, but there _were_ some actions he couldn't let himself do, right? So, he kept his hands for himself.

"I'm taking the grilled Kobe beef," he answered, placing his hands under the table, and locking his fringers together so he wouldn't do anything stupid (he really wanted to do something stupid, actually, even though he knew it wouldn't lead him anywhere).

"Guess I'll take that too," the idol answered, still looking at the pages, until he arrived at the drinks one. "What about your drink?"

_Ah, right._

"I'll take some _sake_ ," he decided without thinking too much, choosing his favorite one on the menu, while his friend was checking the highballs on the next page.

For a very short moment, they were so close he could see all the color variations in the brown eyes, and feel hair tickle his face, and almost hear his calming breath; for a very short moment, he was that teenager deep in love again.

"Souma," his senior chuckled, "your hair's on the menu, I can't read it."

His eyes widened, and laughing in his turn, put the long mesh away.

"Sorry, Hakaze."

The laugh left its place to a sigh, and in so little time he didn't understand immediately what was going on, there was a finger under his chin, and the blond was looking into his eyes. Silence fell around them, the only noise he could hear being his own heartbeat; it was fast, too fast, what had he said that made him deserve that torture? He had to bit his lip to remind himself that, even though that man's lips were so close to his, he couldn't allow himself to kiss them.

"Souma."

Every mention of his name in that voice made him melt, but he had to stay strong. _Maybe I shouldn't have accepted to meet him, in the end._

"We're not students anymore. I'm not your senior anymore. Please. Call me by my first name."

_So, I'm dreaming?_

Because only in his dreams did Hakaze ask him to call him by his first name. Only in his craziest teen fantasies was he allowed to whisper and scream and say that name. But the breath, just a few centimeters too close, dying on his lips, reminded him he was in the real world, and the best he could do was to enjoy the few touches he was allowed.

"I can't do that," he finally affirmed. "I mean, I've never dared being so impolite with anyone," he explained.

"Souma," the singer sighed, amused. "It's not impolite. It's normal. You do call your brother by his first name, right?

\- Yes, but he's my brother. I can't decently call him «Kanzaki» in a house where everybody's called «Kanzaki»."

Besides, it would be giving himself too much hope, calling him by his first name, wouldn't it?

"Yeah, that's obvious, actually," Hakaze pouted, before looking like he just had the best of ideas. "But you do call Adonis by his first name, too!"

_Ah. Right_. Yet, he had only been applying what he had learnt from his family:

"But Lord Adonis comes from a country where it is the norm. Which is not your case," he smiled, happy to have found a solution not to feel _too_ close to him.

_Or maybe I'm just trying to look for excuses. Come on, Souma, why can't you grasp an opportunity like this?_

"And you still grant him a «Lord»," the blond sighed. "I'm still happy you dropped it for me."

Had he been younger, he would have replied something along the lines of «it's because you're a disgrace, you don't deserve such honorifics!», but the truth was, it was the closest he had allowed himself to be to the man he had fallen in love with when he was a teen. The problem persisted, though, that those feelings had never completely managed to go away.

"Wasn't it enough of a step, though?" he managed answering, pushing the light shiver of his body, his fast heartbeat, his burning desire to kiss those lips, and his impulsions behind his honour.

He waited for a whole minute, seeing lips move but never let a word out, guessing (or rather wishing for) the words «I want more». The finger left his chin, caressing his skin for what seemed an eternity to him, a second to people around them. That was when he noticed it: on Hakaze's left hand wasn't even a single ring in sight. Why? Before even thinking about it, he took his friend's hand in his, checking if he was right or if hours of reading text on a screen had damaged his view.

"Hak..." he interrupted himself when he saw the look in the singer's eyes.

_Alright. I should make an effort._

"Kaoru," Souma called again, and there was the hint of a smile on the blond's lips. "Where's your wedding ring?"

The older one scratched his neck, looking sorry. There was something strange with the way he acted, wasn't it? Souma wanted to ask everything about it, but he knew the one thing Hakaze was bad at was to talk about himself. So, he figured out he's let go of the hand, even though it felt so soft and nice and he wanted to keep it in his.

"As I said, it's been complicated, lately," Hakaze reminded him, not moving his hand at all; was it really fine for him not to let go? "There's something turning out wrong, between her and I," he explained, his eyes lost in an empty void.

"What is?" Souma enquired, his heart beating in a completely disordered manner, full of the sadness of seeing a close one unhappy, and an unappropriated hope at the same time.

"I've thought about it for a while, now, but basically, little habits slowly started fading away. The small things we did for each other became a routine. Everyday life sounds way more boring than it used to. Eventually, we even stopped kissing."

Souma blinked a few times. Was he really talking about the same woman he used never to shut up about, after they finished high-school? Was he really talking about his beloved Kiku, the one he had thousands of pictures of in his phone, the one he used to call three times a day, the one he had had a hard time hiding to the tabloïds? _The one he talked about, all those times he had said he'd date him if he were a woman?_

"That's... Unexpected."

He had wanted to say something more, but those were the only words that came to his mind. _Unexpected_ , because he was pretty sure Hakaze was living the perfect married couple life. Then again, just like his name said, the blond liked to be as free as the wind; maybe that was the problem.

"Isn't it because you feel enclosed?" he inquired, trying to understand and help his friend. "We both know how you like freedom."

His senior shook his head, vigorously enough to tell him it was sincere. The second Hakaze was about to say something more, though, the waited arrived, asking them for their orders.


	4. Chapter 4

"I think it has something to do with feelings," he finally admitted, once the waited had gone away.

It was obvious, wasn't it? Especially when he was stunned by how beautiful Souma looked to his eyes, every time he looked at the voice actor. Especially when refraining himself from kissing those lips had been such a hardship, a minute earlier. Why he was talking about his relationship problems with his teenage crush (though the more he thought about it, the weaker the word «crush» sounded to talk about Souma), he didn't remember; what he knew, though, was that he felt the need to tell him everything, how he had lied to himself, how he had believed in his own lie, how he was regretting it all, right now.

"Feelings?" his junior parroted. "You did seem like you were deeply in love, last time I saw both of you together."

He could hear sarcasm and suffering in that voice, hoping for a second that he had only imagined it; there was one person he really didn't want to see suffer, after all. _But what if I made him suffer already?_

"What if that's the exact problem? That we were only _seeming_ to be deeply in love... What if all of our relationship had been a lie to ourselves...?"

To himself, oh, he had no doubt it was. Yet, what about Kiku? She didn't really seem in love anymore either. Maybe they had rushed it all a bit too much. Maybe getting married so fast had been a bad idea. He looked at the glass of citrus highball the waiter gave him, waited for his friend to pour sake in his cup before they toasted. Kaoru only drank a very small portion of his drink, afterwards: he wanted his mind to be as clear as possible while he was going through those explanations.

"Why would you have lied to yourselves?"

The question sounded genuinely curious, and surprised; yet again that was one of Souma's particularity: he was someone very sincere with his own feelings, and of course the idea of lying to oneself would sound unbelievable to his ears. Kaoru was glad he had someone like him around, maybe he should have kept him even closer to him, actually.

_Yep, I definitely did something stupid, when I decided to date Kiku._

"I don't know about her," he admitted, and that was the truth. "But... In my case, I just refused to admit the truth. To understand I never really loved her the way I said I did. I refused to admit my real feelings for..." _I can't declare to him like that. It would be the worst_. "Someone else, at the time."

_I refused to admit I can only see your face whatever I do, that I look for you in the audience when I perform, that I think about you when I sing, that your name's the first word that comes to my mind when I wake up._

Silence fell again between them, for long enough for the waiter to bring them their plates. He probably looked miserable, desperate as he was to finally explode and tell the truth. He couldn't hold it anymore, could he?

"And... Did you tell her about it?"

_Oh._

His jaw dropped. Of course, the question was obvious, why hadn't he thought about it earlier?

"Well, we did start to talk about how our relationship was starting to crumble," he admitted. And that, since nothing we tried has worked so far, we probably should stop it. She's the one who bought the flat so, I've started looking for one, but I guess we need to talk it through, isn't it what you're going to tell me?"

The purple-haired voice actor nodded, a smile on his lips.

"And what about the person you love?"

There was something strange in Souma's tone, when he asked the question. His voice was unusual, and no matter how good he was at regulating it, Kaoru still could hear the shaking in it.

"I started dropping hints to them, here and there," _and almost told it to their face, but of course, you're being Kanzaki Souma-ish and probably missing the obvious, right?_ "I just hope they get it."

The smile on the voice actor's face seemed only half-sincere, and Kaoru was wondering why. He didn't get time to ask, though, since Souma told him they'd better start eating before their food got cold - he was right, but Kaoru was still bothered by his friend's attitude. He didn't know what to think about it, for he wasn't very good at understanding how men worked; especially this very particular one, who, even though he looked like he had started adapting to the society he lived in (Kaoru found that a little sad, he loved that Souma seemed completely out of place in this world), still had his own way to see the world.

Thinking about it, he noticed something very strange concerning his junior.

"Oh."

Raising his head, Souma looked right in his eyes, with such an intensity it pierced his heart.

"What is it?"

Kaoru decided to check before he talked: after all, he could totally have missed it, right?

"I'm surprised. You didn't take your _katana_ with you, did you?"

The indigo eyes closed, while lips turned into a confident, yet amused, smile.

"Do you miss getting cut in halves?"

The blond couldn't help but laugh. Right, being about to be killed used to be the most important part of their relationship, a few years ago, and sometimes he found himself missing it - because, at least, it allowed him to be next to the man his heart now missed.

"Maybe I do," he admitted between two slices of beef. "You were terrifying, but it was fun."

Since only silence answered him, Kaoru checked his friend's expression; and though it was very short, for a sole second, there was pain on this face. Why, though, he wouldn't know.

"You're a masochist," Souma finally answered, a smile in his voice.

_Yeah, maybe I am. But it feels good to be next to you._

He couldn't lie to himself anymore, could he? He'd need to talk with his wife when she would be back. And to Souma, if he had any chance to meet him again very soon. Looking at his almost untouched dish, thinking about all he had confessed, Kaoru began feeling tear up his eyes. _Okay, stop thinking. Eat. Enjoy your night._

Focusing on his dish took him a lot of energy, because his eyes were drawn back to Souma everytime they raised, and his body only wished for one thing, one very small thing. If only he had a chance to get it... But Souma had his own life, now.

"What about you, though?" he asked, almost innocently; remembering the voice actor was having a serious relationship with one of the staff he had worked with, a while ago. "Still with... What was their name again?

\- We broke up months ago."

The tone was so dry and cold his chopsticks fell from Kaoru's hands. He hadn't expected to hear that; not only did it tell him it had _not_ ended well, it also meant that Souma was single.

"Ah... Sorry," he apologized. "How are you feeling?"

The chuckle surprised him. Okay, he didn't understand what was happening anymore. What was he supposed to say, or do? Why was his friend looking like he both enjoyed their meeting a lot, but also looked like he was hurt, from time to time? He missed their school days for a very short second: at the time, he had learnt what Souma's behaviour meant; but both of them had grown up, and a few years only meeting occasionaly had lowered his skill at this.

"Sorry I startled you," the voice actor told him. "I'm alright. Still single, but alright. I guess I'm not made to live with people. Or rather..."

His voice trailed off before he finished his sentence, and, lips turned into a smile (with a very light touch of bitterness), his junior went back to his food. _Or rather what, huh?_ Kaoru's heart was beating at un uncommon rate, making him wonder if it was hope, or pain, or fear. He didn't care if his feelings were returned, but _what if they were_?

_No, that's impossible._

He was too much of a disgrace for that, and besides, only someone like him could have hidden his own feelings to himself and still have them as strong as they used to be when they were young.

"Hey, would you agree to go for a drink, afterwards? I mean, we don't get to meet very often, so I'd like to-

\- Of course," the younger interrupted him. "Gladly," he even added. "You used to sound more self-confident, Ha..." Kaoru smiled. "Kaoru. What happened?"

_«I'm feeling like a teenager having the biggest of crushes on a man he's know for almost ten years and who's finaly able to speak with him again» is not a decent answer, is it?_

"I guess it has something to do with my current situation," he said instead. "That, or I'm a little tipsy.

\- I'd go for both, then," his friend answered, carefully placing his chopsticks in his plate.

He wasn't completely wrong, but at least it helped him relax a little. The moment he placed his own chopsticks on his plate was the second he realized how good and free he felt, being away from work, from his unit, from his so-perfect-it-was-crumbling household. Suddenly, he realized he had left his freedom at the entrance of his building, and had hidden it at the top of a tree. Of course, talking with UNDEAD's members helped him, but it still had never felt enough. Tonight, though...

"Souma?" he called, waiting for the purple-haired man to finish his glass of sake.

"Mh?

\- I missed you."

It wasn't what he had exactly meant to say - the words he had actually put in order, in his mind, were «thank you for agreeing to spend the night with me», but it seemed that his mind and his lips weren't very well-coordinated that night. He'd have to be careful not to voice something he'd regret. Because, for some reason, in the back of his mind, a voice was telling him it was his last chance. What would happen afterwards, he didn't know.

"I missed you too."

The answer was simple, so low he wondered for a second if he had heard well; the smile he could see, though, warmed his heart.

When they left the restaurant, the blond took a whole minute to remember where exactly they were -  the alcohol had been more efficient than usual, and he needed a moment for the world around him to mean something.

"Are you sure you're okay?" his junior worried.

"I will be," he replied. "I guess. If I'm not, just put me in a taxi."

He had bitten his cheek so hard to refrain himself from blurting out one of those ridiculous pick-up lines he was an expert in that he could taste the blood in his mouth.

"I'm disappointed," Souma told him. "I was expecting you to tell me «just carry me home, Souma!». Tsk, look at what the idol life did to you."

There was teasing in these words, he could hear it so loud it almost hurt his ears. Still, he laughed together with his friend, before telling him:

"But there's no point in saying it if you can't cut me in halves as a response."

Still, he was glad his efforts to be more decent were noticed.

"What are we, a manzai?" the younger asked him, and maybe they were.

«What are we», though, the question got itself out of its context, and Kaoru couldn't help wondering what the answer was; before remindind himself he was supposed to wonder where they were supposed to go, first. He'd have plenty of time to reflect on that kind of questions there.

 


	5. Chapter 5

He had never been a huge fan of these noisy places, full with people. He preferred calm and nice places, but it looked like even after all this time, he would still galdly go to the other side of the planet, if it was with Kaoru. So, to the bar, it was. A stylish place, as one would have expected from the man; it still had the loud music and the drunk people, but he felt safer than in most pubs.

"Kaoru, how are you feeling?"

There was a sigh of relief when his friend sat down.

"Lost," Kaoru replied, to his despair.

"I mean, physically."

An apologetic smile decorating his lips, his senior answered:

"I think I'm alright, though I wouldn't say no to your ordering the drinks."

_As expected._ Smiling, he asked the singer what he wanted, chose his own drink, and went to order them, only glancing from time to time towards the table where he has left his friend (and their things), not sure if it was to check if he was alright, or just not trying to seduce one of the ladies around him. In the end, waiting for their drinks to be served, Souma found himself unable to look away from the depressed blonde. Who put him in such a state? Besides, considering how he was staring at his phone, no doubt he was waiting for a message from her...

_And here I am, look at me, just like a seventeen year-old, watching him as if it would change anything. Stop trying to fool yourself, Souma. You know it can't be you. It can never be you._

Even though he hadn't heard him tell the world how he was the straightest heterosexual around for _years_ , Souma still remembered the words Kaoru had told him, and the meaning he had found to them after meeting Kiku. And yet, something in his heart was still moving, vigorously, telling him not to lose this chance; _which chance? I'm not going to take advantage of his being drunk._

"And, here you are, miss. You seem completely in love with your boyfriend, haven't seen that in an eternity," the barman told him, handing him the drinks.

Ah, he was used to this one. It felt almost unbelievable that people still mistook him for who he was not.

"He's not my boyfriend," he replied in a dry tone, secretely enjoying the paling face of the barman. "And it's «mister»."

On these words, he turned on his heels, a satisfied smile on his lips, collecting the barman's apologies with his lowest bow, as usual, before bringing the drinks to the table they had chosen. Placing both glasses on the wood, he did his best to hide his blush when his friend looked at him fondly.

"Did something happen? They became silent, suddenly."

Neatly pushing away his own things, Souma sat on the other side of the table.

"They thought you were my boyfriend," he stated as if it was just a casualty - it was not, and he would have gladly answered yes, but Souma just couldn't lie: it would be wrong of him to do so. "Oh, and they called me «miss»," he added, observing the translucid color of his drink.

"I'd love for half of what they said to be true."

He wasn't sure he had really heard the sentence - especially when it seemed that Kaoru had barely moved since they had ordered their drinks. _Yeah, I know,_ he closed his eyes. _You've been repeating it to me for a whole year._ So much that he had even considered the idea of actually becoming a woman, at a time - but soon enough, his seniors had asked him the right questions. All together, they had come to the conclusion he was just needing some help.

"So? No news from your actual beloved one?" he asked, to try and shake away his craziest ideas.

Kaoru suddenly jumped on his seat, looking at him like a lost child for a moment, before he went back to his usual self, warm as a sun, lips naturally becoming a smile. Souma took advantage of the situation to memorize every detail of that smile, those eyes, this presence, trying to look for something that would repulse him for good, looking for the small things that could push him away. Unfortunately, not even the man himself was pushing him away, and the voice actor felt won over: how was he supposed to fight back when all he had ever dreamt for was right there, the touch of a hand away?

"My actual beloved one," the blond stated, "seems a bit tired, but in good shape. They look like they're enjoying their night, and I hope they do, just a little more. Cheers!"

Completely disoriented, Souma raised his glass, and drank just a sip, trying to understand why Kaoru would know all of that about the person he didn't even seem to have contacted. And, even though he was happy as a child to spend time with his former clubmate, Souma still didn't feel completely right about all that.

"Shouldn't you be spending your night with them, instead of me? I mean, they could be spending an even better time, and that could be the occasion for you to confess," he suggested.

The only thing he was asking for, in the end, was to see a sincere, bright smile on those tempting lips, and so much confidence in those eyes it would feel like Kaoru could conquer the entire world just by looking at it - he eyes used to convey such an impression, when UNDEAD had finally debuted as a major unit.

"Kanzaki Souma, you still can't see what's right under your eyes, can you?"

The tone was soft, and nice, and _oh no_ , he could feel his heart filled with butterflies and light and happiness at each word that came out of it, even if it was to tell him he didn't understand.

"What do you mean?"

He took another sip of his drink, waiting for an explanation, his eyes browsing the crowd around them: was Kaoru's beloved one somewhere in this place? Oh, she could be the girl that seemed to be having fun, there, just next to the band, or that one with her boyfriend - maybe that was it? He meant she had a boyfriend? Souma felt sorry for his friend, until his train of thoughts was interrpted again.

"Kanzaki Souma. Can I kiss you?"

... _What?!_

Wait, why would Kaoru want to kiss _him_?! What did that mean?! Was the person around and he wanted to make them jealous, or something? No, wait, he had said «you can't see what's right under your eyes», right? Could it be...? _That's impossible, right?_

"Souma. You don't need to panic. Just tell me «yes» or «no»."

He looke at his friend, eyes and mouth wide open, a little lost. It was all he had ever dreamt of, and yet he was there, hesitating. For a short second, he regretted the seventeen year-old Souma that would have splurted an enthusiast «yes» before he could even realize what he had said. But at least, he could listen to that part of himself. Closing his eyes, putting a smile on, he finally gave his answer:

"Yes."

He could swear he had never seen anyone so childishly happy after he had answered, not even Shinkai - and that meant a lot. So, he went and sat next to his friend, shivering at the touch of his hand on his waist. Looking into each other's eyes, short of breath, both of them were probably waiting for the other to make the very first step. For some reason, in those brown eyes, he saw a child, both scared and excited at the same time, by the unknown. And it helped him feel better, because he was exactly the same.

In no time, the distance between them was closed, and Souma decided to enjoy every single bit of the kiss, every second of it. The taste of Kaoru's lips, as sweet as one would expect, with just an aftertaste of alcohol. The faint scent of his cologne, nice and comforting. The explosion of color there seem to be, all around them; though maybe it was just in his own eyes, because it felt like a dream. The sound fading all around, because none of it mattered anymore, not while lips were sealed. The excited thumping of his own heart, suddenly taking so much place, suddenly so loud, just because in this moment, in the corner of a pub, his dreams were becoming true.

He didn't want it to stop, and fortunately, it seemed Kaoru was thinking the same, leaving his lips only for enough time to catch his breath before they were kissing again, as if there were no tomorrow, as if it was the last time they would ever get that chance. As if it was the most important thing in the world - and for Souma, it was.

When he came back to reality, Souma felt a little dizzy: he had a hard time realizing the world around them actually existed, even though it didn't care for the two of them. He wasn't too sure he was supposed to get back to it anyway, and would wait a little more before he stepped back there. For now, what mattered was the arm around his waist, the breath he could feel on his forehead.

"Okay," he finally let out, still out of breath, looking at his friend. "Now explain, because I'm completely lost, right now."

And he wanted more, he wanted for this moment to never stop, for the blond never to go back to his wife's sides - and yes, he knew that was an egoistic wish - for him never to let go.

"Souma," Kaoru laughed, "It's you, it's always been you, it will always be you."

His heart was thumping even faster, his face was getting warmer and warmer.

"It's me what?" he enquired, not daring being too happy too quickly - he could have been interpreting it all wrong, after all.

"The one I love," he added. "The one I never dared admitting I loved. I thought I was just a teen and you were looking just a little too much like a girl, and that was why I loved spending time with you. And look at me, I'm twenty-six, married, with a job, and all I can ever see is _you_ , Souma."

Time seemed to have stopped. There was love, and fear, and joy, and so many other feelings in those words he wasn't sure he could even recognized them all. Their sincerity, though, was almost deafening, and the tears that started rolling on Kaoru's cheeks made him want to cry. Right now, he was just like a child. All those years, and neither of them had been able to declare to each other.

"Then our teen selves were both fools," he replied, after a deep breath. "Because even though I had been told I should give it a try anyway, instead of telling you the truth, I hid myself behind a wall, shooing you at the point of my sword.

\- Is it why you stopped carrying it around?"

The question was legitimate, and to be fair, he had never asked it to himself, only slowly stopping carrying it around while his own world was opening up.

"Maybe," he honestly answered. "I don't really know."

A nice hum answered him, and he felt suddenly more relaxed - and a bit more tired, and drunk. He enjoyed the dreamy caresses from the tip of Kaoru's fingers on his back, the taste of the coktail he had ordered at the tip of his lips, the light kisses he got from time to time. All of it felt warm, and the place he was in didn't matter anymore.

"You'll have to wait for me, though," Kaoru reminded him. "Can you do that?"

His burst of laughter was completely out of control - he blamed the alcohol - before he looked at the discheveled face, placing a kiss on his jaw.

"I've been waiting for eight years," he stated. "I can wait for you to talk to her."

And very gladly, with that: he didn't bring his sword around like he used to, but he still held the values that came with it very dear, even though he wouldn't commit _seppuku_ for it anymore. Those kisses, he would hold them as exceptions: they were declarations that he could stop holding his feelings up anymore, reminders that mistakes, even larges ones, were never definitive. A good lesson for him.

"Thank you," the blond whispered, before placing a kiss in his hair.

Life had taken a turn for the best.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I was too impatient to post it tonight


	6. Chapter 6

When he had gotten back home, that night, in the silence and the dark, Kaoru's heart finally felt light again, just like when he used to be before he had closed the door. Still half-drunk, he barely removed his clothes before going to bed. He'd probably call-in sick if he woke up early enough: he was too drunk to avoid the hangover on the next day, and a few more hours, sober hours, in own world sounded very great.

"I can't believe I told him about my feelings," he told the emptiness of his room, face against a pillow. "I can't believe he loves me too."

It was the most beautiful day of his life, for sure. And the thought of many, many other beautiful days with Souma was very tempting; yet not telling Kiku the truth first would feel wrong, to him - and probably even more to the man he'd been dreaming of for so many years, disguising him under the traits of his wife.

When she came back, just like the last three times, he hadn't prepared anything special. He wasn't even home, because UNDEAD had a recording for a TV show, and it was programmed to end around eleven in the evening; which meant it probably wouldn't be over before one in the morning, and he wouldn't be home before two. Or maybe way later, if Sakuma invited him for a drink. That sounded like a good plan, to let him escape the situation at home.

"And... Cut! Perfect, just as expected," the director congratulated them. "Thank you and good job, everyone, you can go back to your dressing rooms and change into your everyday clothes, you're free!"

This very particular time, Kaoru winced at the words. He didn't want to face her right now, he didn't feel strong enough to just go home and act as if everything was alright, when he had exchanged approximately two hundred and fifty five messages with Souma in the last twenty-four hours. He sent number two hundred and fifty six to tell him the recording was over, and he didn't want to go home, before asking his friend:

"So, you're doing something tonight?"

The vampire looked at him, perplex, trying to find something in his eyes, before he shrugged, and started changing.

"Yeah, kinda," he answered, before looking at him again, a malicious smile on his lips. "I have a _date_."

Kaoru winced at the way his friend had emphasized the word _date_. Alright, he had deserved this one, and all the ones that would follow for quite a while, considering how he used to skip practice, club activities, _unit_ activities, even, and sometimes work for his own dates.

"You got me there," he admitted. "Besides, you're very secret about the one you're dating," he noticed, feeling his phone vibrating in his pocket - himself had always been bad at that, after all.

"Yeah, I have, huh, good reasons for that.

\- As in?

\- As in I've heard Doggie bark loud and often enough in my life not to provoke his barking myself. He _really_ wouldn't like it."

The blond, jaded, stopped changing for a second, scanning his friend's expression. Was he saying...?

"Don't tell me you're dating _that guy_.

\- Depends on which one you are talking about," the red-eyed man answered, already back to his casual clothes, his bag on his shoulder. "See you tomorrow!"

_Yeah, if I'm still alive,_ he told himself, before shaking his head. No, that wasn't the right attitude. He had to do it, no matter what. He had to do it, so he could bring his life back to normal; the message on his phone was there to remind him of that, too. Smiling, he answered Souma, before going back to his car. Okay. Everything would be alright.

Of course, in the middle of the night, most of the place was dark, and silent. Still, he decided to take a detour through the kitchen so he could prepare some coffee (he would need that), and finally put his bag on the ground as soon as he was in the large, shared room. He was greeted by the quiet voice of a cartoon character, and a dim light. On the bed, his wif was laughing at what was happening there, a cup of coffee in her hands. Hard to believe she was the president of one of the country’s largest companies.

"I'm home," he declared, his voice way lighter than intended.

"Welcome home," she replied, signaling the place next to her.

She stayed silent for a moment, until her cartoon was over - he used that time to put his pajamas on, and sit quietly next to her sides. _Okay, where should I start? «Kiku, we need to talk»? No, that sounds stressful, I wouldn't like to be told that. Mh. «I have something to confess»? Yes, that sounds way better, I like it. Next is..._

"Kaoru," Kiku almost whispered, in a sad tone.

He interrupted his trail of thoughts, turning towards her: had she just..?

"You know, I've been thinking about us, while I was away."

Before he could even understand the meaning of the sentence, Kaoru felt a sigh escape him. Kiku's face made this thinking look like it was wrong, yet the blond couldn't help but feel a bit better just knowing he wasn't the only one to question their couple. At least, it meant he wasn't the only one seeing a problem between them - he just hoped they were both coming to the same conclusion.

"So did I," he confessed, nodding to her sentence. "I'm listening to your thoughts."

It was more important, right now, to see how she perceived the problem. Of course he wouldn't derive from his initial intention, but maybe she could bring up points that would help him avoid his mistakes again.

"I'll make it simple: I feel like we're more good friends than an actual couple," she said, and he couldn't disagree. "I'm sorry to use such crude words, but I've come to realize I don't have feelings towards you anymore; or rather, not feelings of love. And I can't help but think you're feeling the same; but I fear I'm just trying to feel less guilty. What do you think?"

In some kind of way, the singer was glad he had chosen her to make the biggest mistake of his life with, because any other girl would probably not have been half as kind and understanding as Kiku was. Still, he was a bit disoriented: wasn't he supposed to be the one about to tell her he was leaving her because he wanted to be with someone else?

"I do think the same," he admitted, his head spinning around, not sure of the words he was about to use. "Actually... I think I've fooled myself for quite a while."

He had been aware of it for three weeks, now, yet saying it out loud made him feel better, happy, even, to be able to share his feelings of the past days.

"There is someone I love... Someone I've been loving for long," he started, trying to find the right formulation to tell her what he wanted to say, but before he could say one more word, his wife interrupted him:

"It's Kanzaki, am I wrong?"

_What?_

He looked at her, mouth wide open as he found himself about to tell her she was wrong (when she actually was right all along), and suddenly, he was unable to articulate a correct word.

"You were watching him during our whole wedding ceremony, and you always sound as excited as a small dog whenever you tell me you managed to meet with him."

_Oh._ And he had thought he had managed hiding it. _Definitely a fool to myself, huh?_ He answered with a sad smile, admitting she was right. Yet, somehow, Kaoru was glad she had seen it.

"And yet you still bore with me," he stated, nodding. "Thank you. I'm sorry I made you live with this."

He heard a malicious laugh, and felt a hand in his hair, messing it depite the quantity of hair spray that was in it. The ball in his throat had disappeared, as much as the weight in his stomach. Really, he felt lucky, suddenly.

"You still looked like you were trying to forget about him, and I had figured out he was your ex or something. Looks like I was wrong on that point."

The look on her face was sad, and disappointed, and it was enough to squeeze Kaoru's heart: she was still someone dear to him, and he didn't like seeing people he loved sad. Yet, he also knew it was because of him, and he knew he probably wouldn't be the right one to heal her heart.

"I'm sorry," he apologized again.

Actually, he felt like apologizing again and again for, certainly, breaking her heart. It wasn't something he was happy to do in the first place, but he couldn't bear with it anymore, especially now that he had confessed his feelings.

"Will you stop apologizing already?" she asked him, loudly, but never dryly. "It's alright! It's not like I'm all white either," she stated. "I, too..."

She what? The blond suddenly felt all lost, looking at his wife with the eyes of a curious child. Wait, did she mean she had someone else, too? He wasn't expecting that one. At all. And yes, he had seen movies, and yes, people going on long business trips often cheated on their partners on those, and yes, he knew that happened a lot in real life, too. Still, he had faith in Kiku, and she had never acted in a way that could make him suspect anything.

"You have someone else, too?" he asked, almost too innocently, though he should have been aware of it.

"I do," she admitted. "Well, he doesn't know about my feelings yet, and I don't even know if they are reciprocated," she admitted. "But, when I compared how I feel about him with our relationship, well. It became obvious."

The blond nodded, heart feeling a little warmer. He was happy she had a chance with someone else; he didn't want her to be alone.

"So, I guess we're getting a divorce, huh?" he suggested, finding himself extraordinarily blunt, and take note that he should never say it that was again.

Kiku, though, didn't seem to care too much about it, considering how she burst out laughing to his words. What he did notice, though, was how free it sounded. For sure, admitting the truth felt like freedom, and he was almost ready to go out and have fun just after that - if he didn't have to go to work on the next day.

"Yes, we are," Kiku answered, still laughing. "Sorry, I couldn't help," she added, "not only do I feel relieved, but the way you said it just made it sound hilarious."

He huffed happily, petting her shoulder.

"You'll never change," he told her. "Don't get me wrong, that's what people like about you. Anyway, good luck with him, I hope he loves you back."

She smiled, nodding, before sighing in relief, and placing herself under the blanket.

"Okay, now that this is all cleared I'm tired," she announced. "I'm jetlagged as hell, and now that we've been clear with each other, sleep's taking over me."

His answer being a yawn, he couldn't agree more. So, he went under the blanket, too, and turned off the lights.

"Good night, Kiku," he told her, with a last, relieved sigh.

"G'night!"

While the hard work of that day was taking over him, the only thing he could think about was that he could finally tell Souma he was free, how their awaiting was over. Himself hadn't expected it to go so fast, yet there he was, heart light and soul free.

He was as excited as a child when he finally got to meet with Souma, two days later, waiting for him in front of his favorite cafe, the one where they served thirty different cakes a month. Sakuma had been a bit annoyed at him, at first, saying his attitude reminded him of the Kaoru that skipped practices to put dates first, before being way more understanding after he had explained the actual situation - and threatened to tell Doggie who the vampire was dating, just in case his friend had decided to manage making him late.

In the end, Koga still didn't know his leader was spending most his nights in Tenshouin's bed, and himself had been there in time to ask the owner if he could reserve a table for two, and wait in front of the shop for the one he had been eager to meet for way too long, now.

And when he finally saw him, his heart missed a beat. Kaoru didn't know if the man he loved just looked more beautiful than usual, or if it was just because he was finally allowing himself to watch him without restrain, but his cheeks were getting very hot, and he probably was very red. _And now, I am authorized to spend as much time as I want with him,_ he reminded himself for the upteenth time that day. He was given the authorization of making his dreams come true, by all the people concerned by the situation; it made his heart beat faster, and this time, it felt good, as if he could fly.

As soon as the voice actor was close enough, he was in his arms, tightly hugged, and, unwillingly, had his shirt stained with a few tears of joy. Kaoru felt like a real mess, but a good mess. A free mess. And that mess was given a kiss, and two, and three, that tasted like freedom, and joy, and congratulations, and «I love you»'s that were waiting to be said again and again, for, he hoped, the all of the next sixty years, at least.

Now, he was coming back to life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand here we are ♥ Thank you for staying until the end, and reading this work! I hope you enjoyed it ☆

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ♥


End file.
